Stillbirth

Stillbirth is the conversation with your husband that you’re ready to try for a baby.

Stillbirth is downloading an app to tell you when is the best time to try.

Stillbirth is feeling sick while at work and watching the clock and counting down the minutes until you’re off so you can run to Walmart and buy a test to be sure.

Stillbirth is finally seeing a positive pregnancy test after seeing countless negative tests.

Stillbirth is going home to wake up your husband on April fool’s day and tell him to check the oven for you…. So he can see the “bun”

Stillbirth is seeing your strong husband cry tears of joy after finding out you are pregnant with y’alls first child together and it’s not an April fool’s joke.

Stillbirth is going to the Dr, seeing the little heartbeat for the first time and shedding a few happy tears.

Stillbirth is knowing for years if you had a girl her name would be Marayah, but searching through hundreds of boys names to find the perfect one…. Just in case.

Stillbirth is feeling the first kick on June 22nd 2015 and being completely overwhelmed with joy.

Stillbirth is going to the doctor July 14th 2015 and seeing that the baby on the screen is a little girl and knowing from that moment on she will always be known as Marayah Renae!!

Stillbirth is buying every cute baby girl outfit you see and imagining playing dress up with your daughter.

Stillbirth is picking the perfect theme for her room, purple and teal butterflies.

Stillbirth is putting together her stroller, bouncer, swing, and playpen and picturing a beautiful baby laying there.

Stillbirth is having your 2 boys rubbing on your belly, excited about having a little sister to love and protect.

Stillbirth is watching your boys play and thinking a year from now there will be 3 little ones running around.

Stillbirth is feeling your little girl get excited and move around when daddy plays the guitar.

Stillbirth is having your husband drop to his knees as soon as you walk through the door after work, so he can talk to his daughter and kiss your belly.

Stillbirth is having your huge family excited about grandbaby #25.

Stillbirth is going to bed on November 6th and realizing she hasn’t moved to much that day, but she still managed to kick daddy goodnight.

Stillbirth is waking up November 7th, so excited for your baby shower that afternoon that you don’t even realize the lack of movement in your belly.

Stillbirth is sitting at your parent’s house, after the baby shower, and realizing she hasn’t moved, so you eat chocolate and drink orange juice to try to wake her up.

Stillbirth is contributing her lack of movement to the pressure you have been having, thinking she might be getting ready to come into this world.

Stillbirth is finally realizing that pressure you’ve been feeling is contractions.

Stillbirth is timing your contractions and realizing they are 2 minutes apart.

Stillbirth is running around your house like a crazy woman and getting Marayah’s bag and your bag together in between contractions.

Stillbirth is calling your husband’s job to let them know you are on your way to pick him up to go to the hospital to have a baby!!!

Stillbirth is getting to the hospital and going in your room excited when the nurse comes in to hear her heartbeat.

Stillbirth is helping the nurse put the heartbeat straps around you and noticing her struggle to find the heartbeat.

Stillbirth is brushing off the bad thought and thinking this lady doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s is searching on the right side, Marayah’s heartbeat is easiest to hear on the left side.

Stillbirth is her looking on the left side and still not finding the heartbeat.

Stillbirth is her calling in another nurse for help and everything clicking in your head.

Stillbirth is starting to cry while your husband and the nurses attempt to calm you down.

Stillbirth is going to the ultrasound room and seeing the motionless image of a baby on the screen.

Stillbirth is the doctor scanning for the heartbeat but nothing showing up.

Stillbirth is the doctor looking for blood flow but not finding any.

Stillbirth is hearing the words no pregnant mother wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

Stillbirth is having your daughter’s life that never happened, flash before your eyes.

Stillbirth is picturing her crawling, and walking, and talking.

Stillbirth is picturing her first day of school, and her first boyfriend, and her graduation.

Stillbirth is picturing her falling in love, and seeing her walk down the aisle, and imaging holding her hand when she has her first child.

Stillbirth is realizing every dream you ever had for her is never going to come true.

Stillbirth is watching the second hand’s every tick because it is the only thing that seems real.

Stillbirth is hearing that you still have to go through “natural” childbirth, but wondering what is natural about this?

Stillbirth is when the nurses and doctor leave your room so you and your husband can take a moment to cry in each other’s arms while you realize what you’ve just been told.

Stillbirth is that sad look on every nurse’s face as they come into your room.

Stillbirth is the doctor numbing you with pain medicine so you can attempt to get some sleep before you are supposed to deliver your sleeping daughter.

Stillbirth is waking up at 6 am to your water breaking, and for a slight moment feeling excitement, before remembering the night before.

Stillbirth is feeling the pain of the contractions and praying the doctors and machines are wrong.

Stillbirth is the nurse saying it’s time, and praying with every push that a miracle will happen and she will just wake up.

Stillbirth is pushing and pushing and crying and screaming, but not because of the physical pain, because your heart is broken.

Stillbirth is feeling all the pain of childbirth without hearing the cry at the end that makes it all worth it.

Stillbirth is finally meeting your beautiful baby girl, holding her, loving her, kissing her, and seeing the perfect blend of you and your husband.

Stillbirth is knowing this is the first and one of the last chances you will ever get to hold your daughter.

Stillbirth is watching your husband holding his first born, lifeless daughter, and seeing the love pour from his eyes.

Stillbirth is your heart breaking seeing the strongest man you know, your husband break down and cry.

Stillbirth is holding her precious little hand and praying she would squeeze your finger.

Stillbirth is admiring her beautiful face and wishing she would crinkle her little forehead and start to cry.

Stillbirth is looking at her little red lips and literally feeling your heart break as you realize that you will never see those lips smile.

Stillbirth is giving your family their only chance to meet their granddaughter, sister, cousin, niece.

Stillbirth is sleeping that first night with your child’s unmoving body laid between you and your husband, just so you can have that little bit of time with her.

Stillbirth is the countless tears cried and the many I’m sorrys said in that cold room.

Stillbirth is preparing to leave the hospital, and as you’re walking out of the room, hearing the newborn in the room next door cry their first cry.

Stillbirth is looking into the backseat of your car as you climb in and seeing the empty car seat the back.

Stillbirth is going home and breaking down all over again just because you have to walk past her room.

Stillbirth is having to explain to your son that his sister is gone to heaven, and feeling like you have failed as a parent when he starts to cry.

Stillbirth is getting no sleep that first night back at home, but not because of cries, but because of the lack there of.

Stillbirth is waking the next morning, not to a baby’s hungry cry, but to your own, knowing you have to go plan a funeral for your baby.

Stillbirth is instead of picking out her outfit for the day, picking out the outfit for her burial.

Stillbirth is going to the graveside services for your daughter and feeling the outpour of love from family, friends, and coworkers.

Stillbirth is having to say your final goodbye to your daughter and promising her that you will be a better wife, mother, daughter, and friend to your loved ones.

Stillbirth is looking at your husband and sobbing because when you see him, you see her.

Stillbirth is seeing your son act out, and even though he doesn’t understand why, you do.

Stillbirth is thinking back on everyday of your pregnancy and wondering what you did wrong.

Stillbirth is wondering why your body betrayed you.

Stillbirth is questioning God. Why would he allow you to go through this?

Stillbirth is wondering why the deadbeat mothers’ babies come out healthy, but yours didn’t.

Stillbirth is seeing a pregnant woman and feeling hated in your heart.

Stillbirth is passing a newborn baby in the store and thinking “what makes them so special to deserve their heartbeat”

Stillbirth is wishing it would’ve been you instead of her.

Stillbirth is your whole world coming to an end, while the rest of the world moves on.

Stillbirth is contemplating where everyone who said “I’m here for you if you need me” is at on the lonely days.

Stillbirth is you and your husband still mourning and still in pain months later while everyone else has moved on with their lives.

Stillbirth is reliving those moments every time you close your eyes.

Stillbirth is bills still coming even though your life is at a standstill.

Stillbirth is having to go back to work, long before you’re ready, because the landlord, and TMobile, and Vectren, the water company, etc. still expect their money.
Stillbirth is feeling like you are missing a piece of your soul.

Stillbirth is every happy occasion having sad moments because she is not there.

Stillbirth is having a moment of happiness and laughing, then feeling like a terrible mother because you are smiling instead of mourning.

Stillbirth is praying for a sign that everything is going to be fine, that life will go back to normal, then seeing a shooting star or a ray of sunshine and knowing is your daughter’s way of telling you that it is ok.

Stillbirth is trying to see what good could come out of this.

Stillbirth is something that has since, brought me closer to God.

Stillbirth is something that brought me closer to my husband, the father of the daughter I no longer have.

Stillbirth is terrifying.

Stillbirth is heartbreaking.

Stillbirth is unfair.

Stillbirth is brutal.

Stillbirth is tragic.

Stillbirth is merciless.

Stillbirth is disastrous.

Stillbirth is terrible.

Stillbirth is unbearable.

Stillbirth is painful.

Stillbirth is cruel.

Stillbirth is overwhelming.

Stillbirth is traumatic.

Stillbirth is disheartening.

Stillbirth is a soul punching, life altering experience.

Stillbirth is having a healthy, happy 9 months with your daughter and having to say goodbye before you ever had the chance to say hello.

My stillbirth story has a million questions, but no answers. The umbilical cord was not wrapped around her neck. There were no complications or abnormalities. On November 8th 2015 at 10:06 am, I gave birth to a beautiful 5 lb 13 Oz, 19 1/4 inch long baby girl. She was born absolutely perfect, she had 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a head full of hair….. the only thing she was missing was her heartbeat…

Rest in heaven Marayah Renae McNary. #BornStillButStillLoved