I Dribbled Victory On The Pillow

Our first dinner I didn’t eat all day

I promised myself I would finish my plate

the same as anyone else would eat

I chewed my last bite

slurped down the sauce

his knife and fork entwined

wished I saw his meal more

half empty than half full

And are you sticking to the meal plan?

He told me to tell him everything I had done

I vomited birthdays film plots my writing

over the floor of Tesco Express

twenty-seven hours of therapy

got stuck in my throat

Part of me wishes

you had a BMI of **

so I could

legally force you

into hospitalisation.

He asked me to look up bars

made a bad joke about me having nothing to do

found it funny I got a job waitressing

never seemed to work

The ward offers patients this programme

as a means to acquire early leave,

but once they have left we lose all control of them.

They miss their initial assessment,

are never seen again.

Our third date I poured white wine into the grass

of an outdoor cinema when he asked

if I empty glass

wanted more

I whispered yes to the dark

A normal diet consists of

a normal breakfast,

a normal lunch,

a normal dinner,

and snacks.

He drank a pint of milk each morning after a run

exercise is forbidden

dairy makes me cry

I am here.

I am expressing concern for you.

He texted tonight it’s you, me and halloumi 🙂

I cried through my morning sessions

I have been around a lot of anxious people,

they’re not nice to be around.

You are. You hide it so well.

He was holding up bottles of mixer

Full-fat or Light

I leaked I don’t mind

he turned his hands over

shifted them up and down

sloshing the fizz

front to back

front to back

Why does it say Light

when they weigh the same

he laughed

my mind bubbled

I want to apologise on behalf of me and Dr Thomas

we didn’t realise how bad things had got for you.

He stood in my kitchen

pretended to get gin from

down the stairs

but fluid was never his thing

it appeared his shoulders had been

un hinged

Upon finishing the programme

you will not qualify for NHS funded psychotherapy

for a minimum of six months,

at which point you must rejoin the waiting list,

which may take up to a year.

His tongue tasted bloody from what he tried

he told me he found photos where you could see

sky through my thighs and cried

The state of the NHS is ridiculous.

Sipped the brown from my tea

You’re only twenty-two.

Last week he asked

Is there anything you haven’t told me?

And still no periods?

And still no periods?

And still no periods?

And still no periods?

And still no periods?