Penile Erectile Dysfunction

I’m a bit stubborn
Getting old
Set in my ways
Can never be told
I know best
Nothing I can be taught
So when my ardour was flagging
I was distraught
Buy the Viagra
Said all my mates
Since they became addicted
They’ve had plenty of dates
But I’m old fashioned
I don’t take or use drugs
I accept being bald
Rather than buying a rug
Still the old libido
Was nowhere to be seen
And someday soon
I could meet my queen
Now if she comes along
She who fate decreed
And you can’t get it up
She’ll not be best pleased
She’ll take it as an insult
That you’re not virile
Jez she could even be twenty
And I couldn’t be sterile
Well I’ve a vivid imagination
And I’m an optimist to boot
And I would like once again
To feel the warmth of a big root
So I relented and agreed
To go to get checked
To get medical help
With my lack of good sex
So I asked the doctor
For a national health prescription
She said she was sorry
I didn’t fit the description
She asked me however
If I wanted an inspection
To see if perhaps
She could get a reaction
Well I’m an innocent critter
I’ve been brought up in the sticks
What does an auld lad like me
Know about the hydraulics of d*cks
Still it had been two years
Since I had last been stiff
I desperately wanted Viagra
And felt quite miffed
So I agreed to an inspection
If she would review her decision
Then I removed my trousers
With an old man’s precision
I stood with my trousers
And Y fronts on the floor
Then the doctor asked me
To think of some auld wh*re
So I thought of Margaret Thatcher
But still no reaction
Maggie and sex
Never made the connection
I thought of Edwina Curry
And her stud John Major
But not one single tingle
I promise I wager
The doctor put on the gloves
And started to stroke
My floppy wee man
Just couldn’t be coaxed
She gave me a drink
A drop of hard booze
And she asked me to think
Of Penelope Cruz
Still the private member
Refused to get stiff
The doctor exasperated
Her panties did lift
She asked me to feel
Asked if it felt good
I wanted to laugh
But not to appear rude
Well it was good for her
But not for me
My member had no wood
It was not a tree
Psychologically
I was so confused
This beautiful young doctor
Had left me amused
She was lying on the couch
Inviting me to have sex
Yet here was my penis
Soft and relaxed
I asked if this treatment
Was on the national health
For I was unemployed
Had not much wealth
She said this was free
There was be no cost
She shouted suddenly
She wanted me to be boss
So I thought about Angelina
And Monica from Friends
And it seemed there and then
A message did descend
It was at that moment
In walked a male nurse
Wouldn’t you know it
Life is just a curse
Well my c*ck seemed to have
A new life of its own
I looked down
How it had grown
The nurse looked over
Gave me a big smile
And I ran and I ran
For four or five miles
I don’t know what happened
Perhaps I was gay
But the doctor made me an appointment
For the very next day
Well three hours on her couch
And it never once went down
And love with the lady doctor
Forever I found