Binge Eating Ode

Letter to the food in my fridge

Monster

Toffee flavored frosted baked iced inhaled sugar conglomerate monster

You crawl in you sneaky temptation you attack me from the inside out

Terror, crash burn and despise

Psychosomatic anarchy cry me to sleep you sick lullaby

I fear you monster, monster crawl away

Hazy with the pain of fear pushed back under layer under layer under layer, you

You chase me away from my heart into the skin that itches with guilt and I scratch and I scratch and I scratch but the blood pours out from all the candy wrappers

I am running away like I always do, spiraling down with the crumbs in the kitchen sink disposal, too hard to face, sweetness wrapped up in disgrace taste the waste of denial, throwing siren songs at my salivary glands

The worst part is once you’ve lured me in all the doors are sealed and there’s no escaping it, the only other way out expending you back into a toilet bowl is just me falling on rocks so I have to wait and hope the weather clears up, hope that when I walk away my clothes won’t be too wet and maybe someday I’ll forgive myself

The layers buffer what I know to be a truth incapable of looking at, perched on a cliff afraid to fall but strip away the layers and I’ll be at the bottom and I’ll realize I’ve been at the bottom for far too long and it’s really time to start climbing but who the hell has enough strength or energy for that? I have things to do in the morning, classes to go to, people to impress, people to convince I’m normal. It’s better to pretend I never fell at all.

So don’t pause don’t breathe don’t think about it just keep running pounding on pavement chasing the fat away, bulges that shake in triumphant contempt for my overstrung tendancy towards perfection the walls I construct in my head the insomniac security camera perpetually situated on my belly and on my thighs

The flesh that grows like bacteria multiplying, my emotional susceptibility a perfect Petri dish for its eager colonies thus I expand

Supply and demand but mostly now it’s just demand and I run until I forget I jump shake and run until all the fat is gone, no one sees no one knows but you, you come back

Monster I run further from you, growing with your talons taking over with your taste bud temptations perfect milky cold sugar in gallons numbing my tongue numbing the part of me that cares, monster shaking courage out my pours in return sucking in food induced masochism

Self medicate

Elate engorge resuscitate inflate with denial

So I lose my breath winded from running I sit too ashamed to move too afraid too afraid of looking at myself I am just a girl, cold scared and hungry and food will not fill this emptiness will not appease this hunger lost in the dirty dishes and guilty chocolate wrappers no you are not my god you monster

Oh I admire your coercive lust your nurse coat disguise but you sneak up and gnaw my marrow until I’m turned inside out dysfunctional falling not in love but in disgust

Because you can’t lie to me I can’t hide in swirls of vanilla and cream

My sickest beloved schizophrenic daydream

In remnants of guilty wrappers peeking from dirty dishes I look for my reflection in the crusted frosted kitchen aid

And I see you, monster, tearing my insides up for mistaken nourishment deprecating despicable depriving depraved drawing them back out and spitting them over the sides

I look at my reflection in my instruments of self-demolition and I see you, looking back at me

Monster I look at you

And all I see,

Is me.