The Vacuum Cleaner Tuner

By Heather Wastie

I’m a vacuum-cleaner tuner,

a very important man,

and I’ve been tuning hoovers

since records first began.

I fiddle with your motor

with one ear to the ground

and listen to your carpet

till the perfect key is found.

Experience has taught me

that Axminsters in blue

are fond of Bflat minor

and, strictly entre nous,

a persian rug is partial

to any major key

and if your mat is looking flat

try vacuuming in C.

(You’ll find it makes a difference

to furniture as well –

a sofa cleaned discordantly

Exudes an awful smell.)

Now Vacuum-cleaner tuning

is not a common art,

so tell your friends and neighbours

what pleasures I impart

and how I make your humble home

a more harmonious place,

where hoovering a carpet

brings a smile to every face.

And when I’m rich and famous,

I’ll hire the Albert Hall

and give a free recital

on hoovers big and small

to show their versatility

and demonstrate my trade

with sweet melodious vacuuming

serenely underlaid.

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