Vote For Me

Vote for me.
Here’s my pitch.
I’m just like you,
Except I’m rich.

But believe me, I’m the good guy.
Though we know most rich folks are evil.
Let me tell you what they really think;
They actually hate poor people! (That’s you.)

My family background is bona fide,
Because my dear parents were working class.
They barely survived on a blue collar budget,
And they prized their small patch of grass.

My private school wasn’t the best.
My tennis lessons left me stressed.
We only vacationed five times per year.
Recalling that struggle brings a tear.

I’ve concocted detailed stories
and rehearsed them very well,
and recount them like authentic memories
every time I find occasion to tell.

This convinces naïve listeners
That I truly can relate
To the unwashed masses, the common schlubs (that’s you),
More than a Head of State.

I’m one percent oppressed minority,
And saw a movie once, about prison.
I carry hot sauce in my briefcase
And practiced my drawl, ya’ll, listen.

Contentious issues I avoid
And intentionally speak vaguely.
That way you don’t know where I stand.
It’s a clever bit of fakery.

Watch me put on my sincerest act.
See me hug this sweet old lady?
Watch me smile, and laugh, and wave.
See me kiss this precious baby?

I have a sterling character.
I’m so mannerly in your sight.
You can’t dispute my heart of gold,
So everything I say is right.

There’s no need to think for yourself.
Just leave all the thinking to me.
You’re too traumatized to know what’s best,
But I will surely set you free.

I promise you everything you want,
Earned on hard-working people’s backs.
I’ll just print more money, magically,
(And double every tax).

You need me to take care of you.
You’re powerless to change your station.
The American Dream is a deceptive scheme
For the downtrodden in lowly occupations. (That’s you.)

See, you’re not who you claim to be
Unless you decide to side with me.
If you question my statements publicly,
I’ll impeach your whole identity.

So listen carefully, and do as I say.
I’m the shepherd for these sheeple flocks.
Just mark the circle next to my name,
And drop that ballot in the box.

When I’m elected, I’ll do great things.
And you’ll follow me mindlessly, like a cult.
Now repeat these words: “If something goes wrong,
It’s the other party’s fault.”